god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
