i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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