He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
