she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
