So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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