We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
