turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
