I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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