i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
