I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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