I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
