Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
