Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
