Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
