we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
