I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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