i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you had me at cake vodka
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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