Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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