Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
