I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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