ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I did not marry a roomba.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
