Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Your cock deserves a montage
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
