we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
