please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
