dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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