The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
