If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You dont lie about slip and slides
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
