Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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