I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Don't tell me you're on acid again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
