I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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