3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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