Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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