her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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