the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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