I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
