i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
