Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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