my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
