Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
