Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
