In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
