She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So vagazzling was a success
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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