I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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