I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
