Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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