Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
