the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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