the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
