I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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