This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
